Better as Memory
by zyxw
Summary: A little song fic that I've been working on for a while. Hermione is Sirius's daughter and she only finds out after his death. Yes it's kind of a love song but I think it works to show Sirius's feelings.


DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HARRY POTTER OR BETTER AS A MEMORY.

"Of course I know I'm adopted, Remus! What does that have to do with anything?" Hermione didn't mean to snap at her friend, former professor and mentor but she didn't understand why Sirius had left everything to in his will and she definitely didn't understand how her adoption had anything to do with it. And how would he know about her adoption anyway?

It was the beginning of her sixth year, the very beginning actually. The welcoming feast had just ended when Remus appeared at the door of the Great Hall and pulled her aside. She followed him to the headmaster's office where they were promised privacy.

I Move on like a sinner's prayer  
>Lettin' go like a levee breaks<br>Walk away as if I don't care  
>Learn to shoulder my mistakes<br>Eighteen years earlier:

"What do you mean pregnant?" Sirius asked with wide eyes.

"I mean, Sirius, that you and I are going to be parents," his very secret girlfriend, Marlene McKinnon replied. The Order meeting had just ended and they were on their way to meet Moony and Wormtail at the Leaky Cauldron.

"You can't be pregnant!" Sirius told her in a small whisper. "I'm not ready for this. I can't be a father!"

"Regardless of whether you're ready or not Sirius, you're going to be a father!"

"No," he told her, dropping her hand and turning away. "I'm not!"

I'm built to fade like your favorite song  
>Get reckless when there's no need<br>Laugh as your stories ramble on  
>Break my heart, but it won't bleed<p>

Still eighteen years earlier

"You did what?" James raged when Sirius told him the news. James was the only one he trusted with the information.

"You don't understand, Prongs! I can't bring a kid into this world!"

"I am!" James argued back.

"And I need to watch out for you and Lily and your future kid," Sirius reasoned. "I can't…I'm not like you! I won't be a good dad like you will! I don't know how! No one ever showed me!"

"You don't need to do anything special, Pads! Your kid will love you just for being there!"

"And what if I can't even do that?"

My only friends are pirates  
>It's just who I am<br>I'm better as a memory  
>Than as your man<p>

Never sure when the truth won't do  
>I'm pretty good on a lonely night<br>I move on the way the storm blows through  
>I never stay but then again I might <p>

Seventeen years earlier:

"It is to my great sorrow that I inform you that our friends the McKinnons were killed in a Death Eater attack last night," Dumbledore announced at the emergency meeting he'd called that afternoon. "Marlene, her parents, and her brother were all killed in the attack. The only one to survive was a three month old baby girl that appears to be Marlene's daughter." The room let out a collective gasp. "We are currently searching for the girl's father. If any of you have any information about who he may be, please inform me or Minerva immediately. If we cannot find him, we will have to put the child into the muggle adoption system."

"What's the girl's name?" James asked from the back of the room where he was currently glaring at his best mate.

"We discovered an album with Hermione written on the cover," Minerva McGonagall answered through her tears.  
>I struggle sometimes to find the words<br>Always sure until I doubt  
>Walk a line until it blurs<br>Build walls too high to climb out  
>Third Year:<p>

"Hermione, no!" Harry Potter called as he attempted to grab the petite girl around her waist.

Sirius wanted to cry. She looked so much like her mother with her wild chestnut curls and honey brown eyes. Her lip was split and there was a bruise forming on her cheek. Her jeans were ripped and blood was staining the material around the tear!

"NO!" Hermione was yelling as she jumped in front of Harry. "If you want to kill Harry, you'll have to kill me first!" she told him.

"Kill you?" Sirius asked as a tear rolled down his cheek and he reached up a finger to wipe the blood off of his daughter's lip.

She shrank away from him slightly as Harry managed to grab her shoulders and pull her back.

But I'M HONEST TO A FAULT  
>It's just who I am<br>I'm better as a memory  
>Than as you man<p>

Summer before fifth year:

"You're staring again," Remus whispered to Sirius as the two friends sat in the parlor of number 12 Grimmauld Place watching Harry, Hermione and the Weasley children playing the muggle game of monopoly that Hermione had brought from her house.

"Can't help it," Sirius answered simply.

"I know how you feel."

"I highly doubt that."

"You're wondering if she's THE HERMIONE," Remus continued. "I've wondered myself since the first time I saw her in my class. She sure looks like Marlene. You always did fancy her. It must be hard to have what's most likely her daughter in your house."

"Our daughter," Sirius whispered barely loud enough for his friend to hear. In fact he probably wouldn't have heard if it wasn't so close to the full moon.

Remus grabbed his friend by the arm and dragged him from the room.

"Wonder what that was about?" Hermione commented before turning back to the game.

"Do you think that maybe you're not a muggle-born?" Ginny whispered now that the friends were alone.

The boys attempted to act uninterested but it was obvious they wanted to hear her answer as well from the way they paused in their game to look at her.

"I suppose it's possible," Hermione shrugged. "I mean there must be quite a few children who lost their parents back then right? Or maybe my parents just didn't want me. It doesn't really matter does it? My mum and dad are amazing. They're all I need."

Harry patted his friend on the shoulder as she finished talking.

Sirius and Remus watched the scene through the cracked door.

"Did you want her?" Remus asked with a raised eyebrow as Sirius turned to him with sorrowful eyes.

"Of course I wanted her. I still do and I always will!"

"Then why didn't you claim her back then?"

"I was young, and scared, and stupid," Sirius attempted to explain. "You'll be a good dad. Prongs would've been a great dad. But me…I just didn't…don't have what it takes. Besides you heard her. She has all she need with the Grangers. I never could've given her that. Not from Azkaban. And where would she be when I did get locked up. You wouldn't have taken her. She wouldn't have the friends she has now. She'd be miserable."

"You don't know that."

"Prongs told me that she'd love me as long as I was there for her. But maybe that's not what she needed. Maybe in letting her go I was doing what was right for her. And I can be there for her now! It won't be the same way and she'll never call me 'Daddy' like she does with him but I think she's grown to love me or at least care about me in her own way." Hermione and George bumped into them as they walked out of the room holding hands and whispering. She was blushing. "And just where do you think you're going?" Sirius asked them as they passed.

"I'm walking Mione to her room," George explained quickly.

"Yes, well I expect you back in five minutes, Weasley," Sirius practically growled at the boy. "And you stop at the door. You won't be tucking her in!"

"Alright, Sirius! Calm down. Geez, you act worse than my mum," George grumbled as her wrapped an arm around Hermione's waist.

"Good night Remus," she said, pulling away slightly to hug the lycan. "Sirius." She did the same with him.

"For what it's worth, I think you'd have been a good father," Remus told his friend as they re-enter the parlor.

George came back four minutes later and shrunk past Sirius when the older man glared at him.

I see you leaning  
>You're bound to fall<br>I don't want to be that mistake 

Present:

Professor McGonagall entered the office carrying what appeared to be and ancient book. The pages were brittle and yellow. The page it was opened to was titled "September 1979." Hermione read the line that her Head of House was pointing to: Hermione Jean McKinnon, daughter of Marlene McKinnon and Sirius Black.

"I thought you didn't know who the father was?" Remus asked, remembering the Order meeting all those years ago.

"The Magic Quill always knows," McGonagall corrected. "But it was not our place to say."

"So I was right?" Hermione asked with tears in her eyes. "He didn't want me?"

"No," Remus corrected. "Sirius always wanted you. He just let his fear and immaturity get in the way."

"Yeah," she scoffed as she stood and stormed from the room. "That sounds like him."

"Mione," Remus soothed as he followed, "please try not to think of that when you think of him."

"What am I supposed to think of then?" she asked as they neared the Gryffindor common room where Harry and Ron paced in front of the portrait, waiting for her.

"Think of how he tried to be your friend, encouraged you secret society, challenged you intellectually, looked after you around boys, came running when he knew you were in danger."

"He came running when Harry was in danger," Hermione corrected, loud enough that she drew the attention of her two friends.

"When Harry was in danger, you were in danger," Remus reminded her.

"He had no way of knowing. Not until that night in the Shack."

"He knew you were here with Harry and he watched you both that whole year. Sirius Black may have made many mistakes in his life—giving you up being the biggest of them—but please never doubt how much your father loved you!" Remus pleaded, the last sentence causing everyone within hearing range to gasp and turn toward the argument.

"I've never doubted that my father loves me," Hermione corrected, "because John Granger is my father!" She stomped into the common room without any further discussion. Harry followed her through the portrait hole, intent on learning the whole story.

I'm just a dreamer  
>Nothing more<br>You should know it before it gets too late

Grimmauld Place 1997

"Miss Hermione?" a clean and polite Kreacher wearing a gold locket around his neck asked as Hermione sat at the piano.

"Yes, Kreacer?"

"Kreacher found these many months ago. They have your name on them. I am sorry for keeping them from you so long." He handed her a very old looking photo album with her name emblazoned on the front in gold font and a much newer looking leather bound journal.

"Thank you Kreacher."

"Yes, ma'am."

Harry and Ron watched Hermione as she stood and left the room. Once alone in the kitchen she opened the journal and started to read:

_Dear Hermione,_

_If you're reading this then it is too late for me to tell you in person. You may have many questions about why I chose to give you up. I heard you say once that the Grangers are the only parents you need. That same night you were wondering if your biological parents ever even wanted you._

_It broke my heart to hear you say that while sitting in your biological father's parlor but I know that I brought it on myself. You are most likely very angry with me as I'm sure Remus has told you the story of how you came to be adopted by now. I don't blame you for your anger but I want you to know that even though my fear and ignorance may have kept me away from your mother during her pregnancy, you were always wanted by both of us. _

_Maybe if I had been there things would have been different. Maybe I could have saved her and we could all have been the family you always deserved. Then again maybe we both would have died the way that James and Lily did._

_When I saw you beaten and bloody your third year in the shrieking shack I knew who you were. You may remember that I reached out to you and cried when you pulled away. I am so sorry for scaring you. A child should never have to be afraid of their parents. I know from experience. I only wanted to comfort you. To wipe the blood from your face and assure you that everything would be okay. _

_If I could've told you then I would have but I knew that too much time had gone by and being the selfish man that I am I wanted to hide the truth from you in the hope that I could build any sort of relationship with you. Even if it wasn't that of a father and daughter. I was willing to take whatever I could get. _

_I know that I cannot change the past, but I hope in reading this I can give you some peace for the anger you must be feeling. I am not nothing more than an old man filled with regrets and anger, though I know I brought it on myself. I always have and always will love you. Until the day I die._

_Sirius_

Hermione cried as she closed the journal and placed it into her purse along with the photo album.

'Cause Goodbyes are like a ROULETTE wheel  
>You never know where they're gonna land<br>First you're spinning then you're standin' still  
>Left holdin' A losing hand <p>

Malfoy Manor 1998

"Scream for me mudblood," Bellatrix Lestrange teased as she carved the word into Hermione's arm.

Hermione refused but with much effort did open her mouth to speak. "Actually, I'm not a muggle-born," she corrected. "I'm a pure-blood. Your blood even."

"Liar!" Lestrange screamed as she slapped Hermione across the face.

"Oh, it's not a lie," Hermione replied through gritted teeth as she fought back her tears. "I'm the daughter of Marlene McKinnon and Sirius Black!"

"And you tell me this hoping for mercy? You saw what I did to my cousin!"

"It's not a plea for mercy either," Hermione assured her. "It's a warning. If I make it out of this alive, the next time we meet, you won't be so lucky. I just want to tell you now so that you know why! I won't waste time on words."

"Well luckily for me you won't be making it out of this alive then isn't it?" Bellatrix replied as she pressed the knife to Hermione's throat. But just as she was about to slice her second cousin someone grabbed her arm and pulled it back.

Hermione rolled out of reach and Harry fought Bellatrix's wand out of her pocket. They all ran to Dobby and were gone in a flash.

One day you're gonna find someone  
>Right away you'll know it's true<br>That all of your seekin's done  
>It's just a part of the passing through <p>

The Final Battle, May 2, 1998

Fred had just fallen. Hermione was frantically trying to get George out of harm's way but he refused to leave his brother's side. Ron and Percy seemed to have the same idea. She was at a loss until she looked at Harry who was lifting the man's limp arm over his shoulder. Hermione bent over and did the same. The other men seemed to understand and together they carried Fred into an alcove where his body would be safe and they could retrieve him later. Harry, Ron and Percy ran out but George made no attempt to move until Hermione took his hand.

"Please," she pleaded. "I still need you."

George kissed her swiftly before pulling her out of the alcove and down the corridor.

Right there in that moment  
>You'll finally understand<br>That I was better as a memory than as your man  
>Better as a memory than as your man<p>

Hermione saw Bellatrix fire the curse at Ginny and managed to shove her friend out of the way just in time. Still on the floor Hermione turned in time to block the Cruciatus Curse Bellatrix had just sent her way. Still holding her shield, Hermione stood and walked to less than a foot in front of Bellatrix. The room seemed unnaturally quiet to her as she faced off with the woman who killed Sirius Black. She dropped the charm with her wand pointed straight at Bellatrix's heart. "Avada Kedavra." Bellatrix was dead.

Seeing her sister fall, Narcissa Malfoy turned her wand on Hermione. She was met with the tip of Hermione's wand right between her eyes. "Try me bitch," Hermione begged with a sneer on her face that Narcissa had seen many times on her parents, cousins, sister, and even herself in the mirror.

She handed her wand to the younger woman and put her hands up in surrender. "I know better that to cross a Black," she replied as she watched her Lord fall behind her second cousins back.

a/n: I've been playing with this in my head for a while now. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review.

PS I had to put a relationship with someone in there to show Sirius being all protective and I don't like HG/RW. I always thought she could do better and let's face it, a twin is better!


End file.
